Up close and a little personal – Trust
As I mindlessly sing the words of Ashanti: “Whats love, got to do with it. Whats love, it should be about us, it should be about Trust” – I quickly sober to the meaning of these words and realise I am actually an apethetic believer.
My reason for writing this Post is due to the number of times people tell me that Trust is critical to relationship – and how do I feel about it. Now, although I do not claim to be a Relationship Expert on any level, I can honestly say that based on 17 yrs experience in one relationship, that TRUST, is slightly over-rated. Absolutely I believe that Trust is so important to maintain a truthful & healthy relationship and that cracks will definately start to appear if there isnt Trust.
Perhaps I am sounding a little mechanically minded, but distance in my relationship has taught so many things. The desire to keep Trust in a relationship is based on our emotions or the need to ensure that all will be well if we have Trust. For a number of years at the beginning of my relationship, Trust was fundamental (again, I need to re-iterate that it still is very important), however, it was fundamental to a fault. My expectations of Trust was as the Lyrics of Ashanti: Whats love, it should be about Trust. So in theory, no Trust, no Love, no Relationship. I well remember all the discussions my GF’s & I would have about our relationships, for example: “If my man ever cheated, that would be it! If he cheats on me once, I could never Trust him again”. OR, “If my man started lying, that would be it! Cant Trust a Lier!” On both counts I adhered to that principal also. Or it may even be something smaller, such as: Your mate not coming home when they say they are going to be. Or that they were supposed to pick up the Milk on the way home but forgot, again. These little things may seem irralevent to some, but others may over analyse the reasons for the lateness or absentmindedness. So whether this is justified depends on the individual.
Here is a scenario: Recently, a girlfriend of mine was in a relationship in its very early stages. Her boyfriend went to a party without her where his ex-girlfriend happened to be. Long story short, pictures leaked out on the internet of him and her in a warm embrace. So, current girlfriend who had seen the pics (un-beknown to boyfriend) geared up to question him:
Girl: “How did the party go last weekend, did you have a good time?”
Boy: “Yea, it was ok, just hung out with the boys, no biggie”.
Girl: “Were there only guys there?”.
Boy: “Oh, and some chicks I think, I wasnt really paying attention”.
Girl: “So you havent by any chance run into your Ex?”
Boy: “No, why would I have?”
Girl: “I was just wondering when you last saw her, I think she still has a thing for you.”
Boy: “I havent seen her for months!”
…. Let’s just leave it there then. As you can see, on the Boy’s part, that was just a big fat FAIL. And all you gals out there are likely thinking, I hope she kicked him to the Curb! You’d be guessing right, she did, and perhaps it was for the best, I do not know. But there is another side to the story. You see, the Boy had been persuing the Girl for a year – but she was not particularly interested in him. She caved though to his whims, and it was all on. The Boy was rapt! Even tho, in all honesty, the Girl wasnt that into him. Excitement besides, this did not stop him from putting his relationship in jeopardy by lying to his girlfriend within months of their relationship. Apparently, he did go to the party and had too much to drink. The Ex (described by one as: a vulture on a carcass) gave it a good effort to take him back – and although unsuccessful at getting him, she was successful at starting a relevant rumour that they “hooked up” and even managed to get a couple of great affectionate looking pics to back it up. So the moral of the story is: (besides going off on your own & getting drunk at a party with your Ex is pretty stupid) that LYING can ruin your relationship.
How does this relate to us. Times of testing do come up in all relationships. So, how do we REALLY deal with these tests of Trust when it comes about? Do we up-and-bail every time our mate lets us down or lies to us? If we did, we would likely never remain in the same relationship for very long. Again, perhaps the extent of the issue makes a difference, but whether there’s a small breach of Trust or a large one, Trust is Trust. So how then do we uphold what we believe to be important without it sounding like a contradiction?
Let me ask you a pre-meditated question: If your partner lied or cheated on you, could you forgive them? Or, would this be grounds for instant dismissal of the relationship. You will likely answer in a variety of different ways and much of how you think or feel about it will depend largely on who you are & think, the history of your relationship together & what level of remorse the offender has.
For example: Forgiveness isnt a trait inherent in all of us, some people are more forgiving than others. Pride often has much to do whether or not we can humble ourselves to forgive – some people absolutely refuse to be yielding under such circumstances, and each to their own, we cant all think & feel something we dont.
Also, history of the relationship will largely contribute to a final decision. Has our mate ever lied to us before or up until that fateful point in the relationship. Can you say that things have been sweet most of the time even after reflecting back on the relationship about other possible times there may’ve been a breach of trust? Can you ascertain that breach of Trust is incidental?
Then comes the final decider. What is the offenders attitude to this breach in Trust? Do they care that they have let you down? Are they endeavouring to do all they can to rectify the situation? And do they desperately want to the salvage the relationship as best as they can in order to get your forgiveness?
So after analysising these 3 factors, would a combination of the above make a difference to how you may or may not continue in your relationship. Trust comes back into play now. If you decided that your relationship is worth an extra go, initially, your relationship will be running on little or no Trust and only time will tell how long it will take to get it all back.
So this brings me to my reasons on how I personally feel about Trust. We have Trust in our relationships until we dont. Really, its our level of committment and endurance in our relationship that will be the final decider in our relationship status. At the beginning of a relationship (any relationship, partner, relative or friendship) we have what I call our “Virgin Trust”, this is the Trust we have prior to anything ever going wrong & causing a dent in the Trusting relationship we have. But if you decide to maintain a relationship that has had a severe breach of Trust, even very happily because you were lucky that things turned out well in the end, you will NEVER have the same level of Trust again. The reason being, is that before the Trust breach you had no idea that such a breach could happen, however, after the breach you are no longer oblivious to the potential of it occurring again. In this state, Trust has now become a “I dont know what the future holds, but I am prepared to give it another go & hope for the best”. Now bear in mind, “hoping for the best” isnt necessarily a passive response – I am hoping that the main reason for ones decision to continue on their relationship is that they are BOTH prepared to do all it takes to keep their relationship strong – “hoping for the best” denotes the apathetic response I mentioned on the outset of this post to Trust, in that I myself am not oblivious that myself or my partner may let the other down, but I’m not going to sweat it unless it happens, in which case I will re-assess the situation then. So for now, we can continue along doing the best we can to keep a healthful & happy relationship.
Trust is great and wonderful when you first have it & great if you continue to have it, but what needs to be included is commitment & endurance to deal with the difficult times. The test of Love cannot be full Trust alone or we should surely not endure in our relationships. Sometimes even our friends and family can let us down and this result in mis-trust, but we continue to love them and hope to work it all out.
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things and we cannot be sure if the decisions we make at the time are going to be for the best in the long run, so any decision that one makes is their’s and their’s alone. Nobody knows what the future holds in any relationship, so I hold fast to the idea that although Trust is important, I am always going to be prepared to only make a decision on an issue that has had a breach of Trust when I have too and not before. Fingers crossed for the good times ahead!!
